How To Eat Like Everyone’s Favourite Presidential Candidates

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Well, the fateful day is upon us. After a tiresome election campaign that has seen coughing fits, a bunch of things said about building walls around countries, and the acquisition of countless tupees, bottles of fake tan and red ties, we have finally arrived at the pivotal moment of the whirlwind that has been the 2016 US election campaign.

While we can’t do much from here about the outcome except bite our nails and feel an unjustified and hypocritical smugness about the state of US politics, here’s a guide to where you can eat incarnations of Clinton’s and Trump’s favourite campaign trail foods to distract you from the (highly irrational) thought of nuclear codes falling into the wrong hands resulting in the world being blown up.

Donald Trump

Burger and fries

In an interview on US channel Bloomberg, Trump spoke about his love for classic American cuisine – burgers and fries. While he’s been seen chowing down on McDonald’s during the campaign, you can certainly do better here in Melbourne town. Royal Stacks in Melbourne’s CBD, along with their Halal outlet in Brunswick, boast some seriously good burgers that are close to those by US outlet Shake Shack; or you could head to Easey’s in Collingwood for some decadent burger combinations that aren’t big on salad, just as we imagine Trump isn’t.

A big, greasy breakfast

While Mr Trump has stated he doesn’t have much time for breakfast these days, he will sometimes make pit stops to order up big on sausage, hash browns, eggs and bacon. Despite the fact that the “Big Breakfast” has kind of had its day in our fair city in an official capacity, you can still always find it on menus across the board. Maybe try Liar Liar Café in Hawthorn – their Big Fat Liar brekkie consists of eggs any way, bacon, pork chipolatas, roasted mushrooms, spinach, thyme roasted tomatoes, avocado, baked beans and tomato relish. That said, you should probably substitute the veggies for a potato rosti and something pork-related if you want to be truer to Trump-style fare.

Hilary Clinton

Jalapenos and sriracha

Clinton and Trump have opposed each other on pretty much everything during the campaign, so it’s unsurprising their approach to food is no different. Clinton has been trying to eat reasonably healthily as she endeavours to win the hearts of the American masses, and has been known to smash a bunch of raw jalapenos and also sriracha on the campaign trail due to the health properties of spicy foods.

Of course, there are a host of cheap and fast food eateries in Melbourne that now employ lashings of both. Go grab a pho somewhere like Pho Nom, or head to one of our various delicious Asian-inspired establishments (Uncle, for example) to get your sriracha on. As for jalapenos, why not try the jalapeno poppers at Beach Burrito in Fitzroy? Stuffed with cream cheese, crumbed, flash fried and served with chipotle aioli, these spicy, creamy numbers are bound to get you in a Democratic mood.

Scrambled eggs

Clinton seems to have a thing for soft-scrambled eggs. Apparently it’s one of the only things she can cook properly, and it’s what she likes to eat for breakfast before she has to fulfil her duties for the day as a presidential candidate/target of misogynist, anti-intellectual vitriol. To get your fix in Melbourne, try Stagger Lees’ velvety incarnation on sourdough and add a side of herby mushrooms for perfect scrambled eggs heaven, or maybe go for something more posh like Kettle Black’s chilli scrambled eggs with house cured kangaroo, feta and leaves if you’re feeling a bit more sophisticated and presidential. 

Lauren Bruce

Lauren started her writing career as a communications adviser before she realised she couldn’t ignore her passion for food and the arts any longer. She gave up the world of state politics to concentrate on freelance writing and styling. She has since contributed to Spook, Paper Sea and Junkee and is a regular contributor to GRAM Magazine.