What if you learned of a mythical place where you could pour your own wine and where a pizza will cost you just $4 and fill your tum so you can – you guessed it – have more wine? Sure, you could probs do all of this at home but that would involve a) getting the wine and limiting yourselves to just one bottle to ensure freshness and, worse, b) making your own pizza which will likely come from one of those dodgy Coles’ pizza-frisbee-bases which taste like, well, frisbee. You deserve better, Jessica. And don’t let Andy tell you otherwise. And then, of course, c) there would be no people watching/judging, rather, it would just be you two alone. Again.
So, no. Option B, please. The better option. Biff Tannin’s, that’s where.
Hidden from all the Sydney Road, Brunswick, blow-in basics (you know the type: “The Penny Black is such ace fun, Taylor. There’s nothing like it in Thomastown, LET’S CATCH THE TRAIN IN AND DRINK RUM AND COKES FTW! YEAHHHH), Biff’s is where you want to be. The amber-lit bar nurturing enough whiskey types to make a Scot blush; beers everywhere, and then, just to the right, the self-pour bottles of wine in their Italian glass housing lining up like sentinels in some sort of science-fiction-like stasis: you know this is where you belong. You want to be with your people: the intrepid, beautiful people who knew when Phi Phi was a joke from the get-go and had already moved on to Bhutan when Nepal was only just becoming a thing. You are home.
Biff’s is at U5/601 Sydney Road. But it’s not Sydney Road, really. Basically, go straight across the road from the IGA and the cop shop and just down a bit towards the city from Domino’s (don’t do it, Kirra, go to Biff’s. Good girl). You’ll see a little alley leading into a apartment complex (like, here). Walk down there and Biff’s is about 50m on your left. Oh yes.
Founded in 2016 by Sally (a former scientist), her partner Ron, and mate, Matt, these former housemates got inspired to bring self-serve to Australia. And, you guess it, Biff’s is the only place in the country you can do it. So be a patriot. Yes.
How’s it work? Head up to the bar and say you want to wine-on. Handover your credit card and you’ll be given a glass and a card. Walk on over to the wine, bung the card in the slot and take your pick of taste, small glass or big glass pour. Imbibe. Try more. Don’t get messy. Take card back. Pay. Say thank you. Leave. Easy, right? Yes it is.
Best still, on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights only (5-9.30pm) grab yourself a $4 pizza with any drink order. Yep, $4. And we’re not talking some Pizza Hut Express (they still exist, right?) size midget. Nooooo. These are full size and could probably feed two of you with ease and they’re posh, too, like The Rocketman with roquette and shaved parmesan and pear and a salami pizza to die for.
So Andy, don’t let Jessica down again with the travail of your day in the design studio. Jessica’s had enough because she’s pretty much had her own salt mine experience, right? Right. Go pour your own amazing wine, gorge on pizza and judge to your heart’s content.